In 2028, the Olympics comes home. That’s right – Los Angeles is hosting the Summer 2028 Olympics, the first time America has hosted in 44 years. So this is our chance y’all. This is our chance to finally introduce some classic American “sports” to the rest of the world. Here’s what we’re thinking…
- Bags/Cornhole
- Is there anything more American than playing a game of bags in the backyard during a barbeque? It has everything: hand-eye coordination, suspense, advanced throwing techniques, and a weird, confusing way of keeping score. And c’mon – you know we’d mop any other country in Olympic Cornhole.
- Pickleball (Duh)
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It’s Pickleball. We’re Chubbies. We’re America. Enough said. The only real question here is… who would take home silver? Our money’s on Serbia.
- Egg & Spoon Racing
- Imagine the world’s greatest athletes, forced to balance an egg on a spoon as they race to the finish line. It’s the ultimate combination of speed and balance, with the added benefit of any mistake instantly being as embarrassing as possible. C’mon, Olympic Committee. Make. It. Happen.
- H.O.R.S.E. (not basketball)
- Olympic basketball is one thing. Olympic H.O.R.S.E.? Now we’re cooking with gas. We’re talking the most insane trick shots imaginable, set up in a 1v1 single-elimination tournament bracket. Imagine the stakes! The suspense! The sheer insanity of the trick shots!
- Go Fish
- We’ll be honest, we just want to see incredibly fit athletes sitting around playing a card game. It would be kind of a nice palate cleanser in between events, right? Like a relaxing little intermission between the more intense outings.
- Hot Dog Eating Contest
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It’s time for Joey Chestnut to become an Olympic gold medalist and become officially cemented as an American icon. It’s time for him to avenge being left out of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest this year. It’s time for the rest of the world to see what eating hot dogs is really about.
All in all, America could easily rack up like 15-20 more gold medals with additions like these, don’t you think? Did we miss anything super obvious? C’mon Olympic Committee…. We know you’re getting these emails. Let’s make this happen.
“Jenga counts as a sport, okay?” – Blake “Avoided Gym Class Because He Was In Marching Band” von Thaden and the other athletes at Chubbies
